Saturday, 17 October 2009

Lay Open To My Earthy-Gross Conceit, Smother'd In Errors, Feeble, Shallow, Weak.

Everything is oneness. Absolutely everything is; there are no mistakes. The most horrific errors, a split-second of poor reflex or a well-considered, but misjudged, decision, even these are not mistakes. The child that runs into the road, hit; the sober drunk that picks up drink and drugs again after many years of abstinence; the inappropriate career chosen, the person married in convenience or pressure rather than love; any of the long list of things we could change, if only we could go back in time; even these are not mistakes. Even the most painful, life-thwarting feelings and urges are not mistakes. Everything unfolds both to no purpose, and to grand purpose, in the context of the story of a life. Life is everything; bliss and despair, pain and great, soaring pleasure. And all of it is bearable. There is suffering, and the end of suffering is so often sought, both by seekers of enlightenment, and most human beings, convinced that the pain is theirs and theirs alone, that pain defines them, that pain is useless, that pain is to be avoided or dispelled. But pain and suffering - some say that suffering is pain + resistance to pain - in the unfolding story, is often very useful. And even if it's not, and all of it is meaningless, and it is seen that whatever seems to be happening is just as it should be - there is nothing wrong with suffering. Perhaps, in the context of a story, structured by systems of belief, organised by the restless mind into some kind of sense, suffering that lingers is not so useful. But suffering, in any story, usually changes; wait around long enough, and everything changes. No matter how involving and intense the story of your life seems to be, that story - those feelings - those events, those others whom you struggle to interact with - they are not your sum total. You are all of it, and none of it; life is its own beneficiary; great pain and delicious pleasure are the same thing. No matter what seems to be happening, even if it seems to be happening to you and you alone, is just what must happen. Your life, with all its resistance, all the wrong thinking, all those errors you wish had never happened, is perfect, blessed and whole. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong.

And now, a bit of "my" story, which seems to unfold, but doesn't really: I love life. I love it so much, the very appreciation of it floors me. This is in contrast to a dreadful, bleak, lingering suicidal depression that lasted about a year, three years ago. In my story, I would not change that terrible time for anything; it was a privilege to be so vulnerable, and to encounter others in their most human, fragile states. And, in the story, I might not appreciate every little thing the way I seem to now without that period of suffering. But don't think "you" must have such pain to "get" this. Everything is eternity and infinity; it is, whether the mind sees it or not; and "getting" this seems largely seeing that there is no one to get it. Everything is a gift, from nothing, to itself. It is. Here. Now.

"I am in love with Life. As the mountain lake

Which receives many streams And sends forth great rivers, But holds its unknown depths, So is my love.

Calm and clear, as the mountains in the morning Is my thought, Born of love."

J. Krishnamurti, from "From Darkness to Light"


Julian said...

It is great to hear something about your life. I agree with everything you say about having no regrets. It is clear that no one is here to suffer or to experience peace and joy, yet gladness spontaneously arises here in response to the story of Suzanne moving from apparent suffering to daily celebration.

No One In Particular said...

Hey Julian, very sweet, thank you.

Ronna said...

Hi Suzanne, I thought this was excellent. No matter what has seemingly occured in our stories really means nothing because the stories themselves are truly nothing!

Chris said...

Regret seems to be something that this character feels often lately, so reading this post helps. It is difficult to see that everything is as it should be when I feel this way. I guess it's just the mind labeling a situation as bad, and wishing it would change for the better. Also wishing I could feel and share this point of view.
But somehow, deep down, I resonate with your writing and it helps, so thank you Suzanne for this timely post!


No One In Particular said...

Hi Ronna, thanks for visiting and commenting. Yes, it's all a very full nothing! And Chris, hang in there. It always changes.

Crazy Pianist said...

As usual, you're spot on. Here in this body your words take root. Once a day or so a feeling of oneness occurs, oneness with the kids, with the door, with a cup of coffee, as if that puff of realisation could actually come and go. Then, having forgotten whatever it was, the the recurrent 'I' takes solace in the reassurance that 'even these are not mistakes'. Notably it's no mistake that you keep writing such wonderful posts!
Thank you again!

No One In Particular said...

Hi Crazy, thanks for the kind words. Nothing wrong with that recurrent "I"!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Yes, life is truly wonderful, Suzanne, and it thrills me that you are thrilled by it. Even breathing fresh air is bliss for one who has been blasted by the fart of the elephant, as I have. I would like to share a sweet fragrance with you.