Thursday, 26 February 2009

There Is Nothing Wrong With Any Of It.

Although there is no process in time, if there seems to be one for "me", then I'd say the whole oneness non-duality thingy is deepening. In the story that seems to unfold but doesn't really, my mind is less inclined to have a central role. There seems to be less self-consciousness. Life is life, actions happen, but not filtered through some personal identity; it is just full-on, absolute immediate being. It is completely out of control, there is no one to control it, and more tellingly, no one who particularly desires to control it. Last night I heard an apparent individual tell of his great pain, crying in the depths of his rejection, trying to handle the very difficult circumstance of being told by his wife that it was all over, just as he had gotten his life together and was trying very hard to be a good husband and father (and succeeding). In the story, my heart went out to him. In the story, my character wouldn't dream of going up to him and saying "well, don't worry, you're not really suffering, you don't really exist, the pain is just pain, it arises in apparent awareness, there's nothing wrong with it." In fact I just very briefly thanked him for being so brave as to tell us what was going on. In fact, my character was having thoughts of vague guilt for my apparent story being so easy, so fulfilling, so lacking in any great challenges or bereavements. Then, thoughts along the lines of "well, in my story there has been all the 'worst' kind of pain and suffering" came up. It's just not my apparent story right now. There's no self-destruction, no one is attacking me, and I'm not perpetrating any crimes upon others. But all these "bad" things have been a part of my story. If my character needs her guilt for having a great life assuaged, I suppose I could confidently say that I've had a lifetime's share of suffering already, and probably deserve a bit of happiness, peace and contentment, which I apparently have. It's funny, all these thoughts and actions and feelings arise, in nothingness. I don't understand it. I never will, it is not understandable. But a lot of the "time" "now", there is no need to understand. Just unfiltered feeling, thought, action. Immediate and amazing. On the weird side, I often look at something or someone and they sort of disappear, become some kind of wavering energy and light. This is happening to a character (me) who is scathingly skeptical of anyone who starts talking about auras and healing energy and different levels of existence. Who snorts derisively at any hippie/new-agey/meditation-y/Chinese-herb-eating, hemp mat sitting, guru-seeking, angel-chatting losers. I see the energy in everything, sometimes, just with my ordinary cynic's eyes. There's a turn up for the books. By the way, there is nothing wrong with the neo-Pagan age of Aquarius astrological healy-feely crowd. There's nothing wrong with my apparent scepticism. There's nothing wrong with suffering, there's nothing wrong with wanting to avoid it. There's nothing wrong with duality, and there's nothing right with oneness or awakening or not awakening or realising there is no one who needs to awaken. It is all just exactly as it must be. Perfect, as it is.

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