Wednesday, 31 December 2008
The Fullness of My Humanity Arises.
Today I feel vulnerable, hurt, very human. Incongruously, my humanity seems to deepen with seeing its illusory nature. Everything that comes up, comes up without any of the veils or defences I seemed to used to deploy. I feel I have no one to talk to, that no one understands, and I am very alone. Of course, there is no need to be understood and no one to understand, but those feelings arise nonetheless. As painful as these feelings are, there is something so sweet in them, a sense of unfettered living, joyous energetic life unbounded by any fear. Fear also comes up, but it seems to do so less. How different it all is compared to what the mind expected "enlightenment" to be. It isn't going around in a cloud of bliss, loved and loving, all problems solved, life utterly "fixed". It isn't any different than it ever was. All the same things come up. It's just ordinary life as I always appeared to live it. Yet it is completely different, seen for what it is. And in the memories that arise in this, this which is timeless, I see it was ever thus, the only difference being that I hung someone onto it all. I am meeting this wonderful man, I am getting married, I am sitting here watching TV, I am caught up in the relentlessness of addiction. In fact the wonderful man was met, a wedding happened, TV was watched, the relentless pursuit of alcohol and drugs happened. It was a game, a play, the perfect set of apparent circumstances to see that it's all just happening, to no one. However alarming that seems, the boundlessness of it, and the liberation of it, is beyond description. A personal existence is a tiny box, the smallest of microcosms, blinkered and shuttered, yet strangely always perfect and whole. The dropping away of me is merely the dropping away of the idea that something is missing. It drops away and the void is scary. Yet it is thrilling. There is no one to be scared, no one to be saved, although terror and longing for redemption can arise. No one can save us, we are saved.